if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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