I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
