Soap is not a condiment
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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