3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
