How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
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