i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
