I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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