she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
