The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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