Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
