how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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