i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
