Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
