should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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