Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
