I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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