First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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