i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
