the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
