After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
