I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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