textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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