My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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