Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
