My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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