I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
