Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
