Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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