One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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