Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
