sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
