Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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