Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
