so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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