i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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