look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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