he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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