i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
