i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
