I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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