Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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