I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
