three words: i give head
three words: not that well
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
