I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
