I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
