Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
