i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
