Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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