i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I am available for nakedness
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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