I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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