After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
